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DEAR BEL: I don't want my daughter having casual sex in my house
Dear Bel,
My now 19-year-old daughter wants to have her boyfriend to stay over. She met him on holiday in May and he lives over a two-hour drive away. Since then she's had him stay over for five days in June without our permission while we were on holiday.
We initially turned a blind eye as we did not want to ruin our holiday with telephone rows, until our older son (also living at home) complained the boyfriend was left in the house all day while she was at work. He felt uncomfortable with him being there.
So we rang to stop the visit, which caused upset. She didn't seem to acknowledge the risk of someone we barely knew being left all day in our home. She then saw him at a weekend festival so they'll have spent at most 14 days together.
He's now staying in a nearby hotel for a few days but she's asking to extend the stay at ours. We've said no and this has again caused upset.
She doesn't want to visit him but it's not clear why – whether the expense or whether his family won't allow her to stay.
Previously she had a nine-month relationship with someone from sixth form who had a car and lived a 15 minute drive away, but was still at ours a lot for meals nearly every day in the week.
Janet's 19-year-old daughter wants to have her boyfriend stay over. She met him on holiday and he lives more than two hours away, but he has since stayed over for five days without her permission while on holiday
We refused unnecessary overnight stays and she slept over at his regularly at the weekend. He did come on holiday with us and stayed if there was an early start on days out, but we did not want to create a habit.
My husband and I want to be able to relax in our own home without regular guests. She then had a casual relationship with a man ten years older who again stayed over – without our permission – while we were away for the weekend.
In her words they were 'not in a relationship' – but clearly they were sleeping together. That ended badly and they no longer speak.
I don't want to appear to be putting a barrier in the way of what could turn into a serious relationship, but nor do I want to condone casual sex in our home nor have regular boyfriends sleeping over.
This one could also be another short-lived relationship and then in the future we'll be asked for another boyfriend to sleep over and so it goes on. Any advice on whether we are being too harsh gratefully received.
JANET
Bel Mooney replies: This is so hard. I've been a daughter wanting to rebel against parents' wishes but knowing (this in the first half of the Sixties) that sex on the premises would have been inconceivable.
And I've been a mother with a rebellious teenage daughter, allowing a boyfriend to sleep in our spare room and choosing not to think about what used to be called the 'dirty dash' along the corridor after lights-out.
Now my darling child has a leggy, pre-teen daughter of her own, and although the future is always uncertain I reckon I can safely predict conflict.
I tell you all that to help you realise this problem of yours is far from unique. Your daughter might protest that this is the 21st century and so parents need to move with the time and stop being moralistic killjoys. On the other hand, as long as your children are living at home they have to understand that there must be parameters – and you have the right to set them.
I can easily understand why you don't particularly want some bloke you don't know wishing you good morning when you're tucking into your boiled eggs and toast. These guys are not 'partners' (implying a proper, steady relationship); they are boyfriends who may well turn out to be no more than ships that pass in the night.
And while some people (probably younger) might seize on your phrase 'condone casual sex' as too judgmental, I can see why you'd worry. Young women are easily exploited by men with no intention of any sort of commitment. Why should you sit back and allow that in your own home? So are you being 'harsh'? Maybe a bit, but if you substitute the word 'responsible' it doesn't seem such a criticism, does it?
You say she gets 'upset' by your attitude, which is par for the course, but she does need to understand why.
Tell her you love her but also need your privacy. The truth is, your daughter has already taken liberties by having men there without your permission and I'm afraid she doesn't have the right to take any more.
Until this new relationship shows signs of becoming serious, I don't see why you have to give in. I'd suggest she finds an affordable hotel (maybe cheaper than the one he's booked) and splits the cost with him. That would be fair. Also suggest that if she's keen, she really should visit him at home and see how that goes. Tell her that after that he will be very welcome to stay in your house and maybe one day you could treat them both to a meal out.
The key thing is to remain calm – and all the calmer the more she is 'upset.' She may even thank you one day.
I resent my selfish mother-in-law
Dear Bel,
My mother-in-law is really likeable: warm, fun, glamorous. But I worry certain issues are going to become bigger as time goes on.
She's quite selfish and not too concerned about her children and grandchildren. Last year my husband's dear granny generously left us a modest sum of money as part of a living will; we took her out for lunch in thanks.
We never received the money; after she died my husband was told it had been swallowed up in her care and tax costs. But a healthy estate was left to my mother-in-law. So the money left to the grandchildren was fair game but my mother-in-law's share wasn't.
My husband shrugged it off saying it wasn't his business, but we really could have used that money with a baby on the way and our mortgage.
Now I am expecting, things feel at boiling point. Mother-in-law has shown limited interest, saying we shouldn't expect childcare (not that I was) and contributing annoying advice about how and where I should give birth, which names she doesn't like and when I should go back to work.
I think she's well-meaning but it's frustrating. It also makes me want to avoid her.
She wants grandchildren to be part of her life (she has three already from my sister-in-law), but it's very much on her terms.
I don't want to spend Saturdays driving out to my in-laws so they can have their expected hour of grandparent time. But when I read about fractured families I want to avoid that kind of situation.
My husband thinks his mother is a saint and doesn't quite dismiss my concerns, but won't discuss them directly either.
I'm getting more and more resentful and would really appreciate advice.
JODY
Bel Mooney replies: Recently I seem to have had an unusual number of mother-daughter as well as mother-in-law difficulties, and they make me very sad.
I often think back to my own mother telling me that when they moved in with her in-laws with the new baby (my brother) there was nowhere else to go in bombed-out Liverpool so she had to 'keep quiet and get on with it'.
Are we so hyper-sensitive to 'issues' these days that we've lost resilience? Almost certainly.
You begin by praising your mother-in-law's personality, then immediately describe her selfishness (some details cut for space) as well as what seems to be rather grasping behaviour over the living will.
I can absolutely see that it would have made you seethe – perhaps all the more so because your husband shrugged it off. He adores his mother. He will not criticise her. And because you fully acknowledge how lovely and charismatic she is, perhaps you can understand that. I'm afraid it's vital that you do.
I say that because, even though I feel sympathy for you in having to negotiate these very common relationships, the truth is you married a man who will never lose his love for his mother, no matter what she says or does. Like many men, he will just step back to avoid conflict – and if you take the conflict to him it will put you in the wrong. And once family members start to feel resentment and think and act in terms of right and wrong, the fractures will begin.
You are expecting a first baby and need to be gentle on yourself and stop brooding on Granny's legacy. Tell yourself it helped to care for a wonderful old lady and leave it there. Your whole body is currently busy creating a new, precious human soul, so please stop fretting about driving to see the in-laws on Saturdays. It will do you no good at all.
Zone out all her suggestions; you will pick the name you and your husband choose and that's that. So take some deep breaths every time M-i-L makes a 'well-meaning' (which you acknowledge) suggestion and train your thoughts on the baby you carry.
Give him/her a little pat. Let that become a habit.
When your newborn is in your arms you will have so much to get used to. It can be a testing time and will require emotional and physical strength as well as your love. Be ready for it.
Then, if you don't want to make the Saturday visits, your husband can take over (mostly) and let you rest. Let him hand his glam mother a bottle and encourage her, lovingly, to smile and get on with it.
And finally: Nothing wrong with loving thy neighnour
Barbara's letter last week touched readers. Repeatedly let down by a woman she once considered a good friend, she now feels sad and lonely.
Trying to encourage her to meet people, I wrote, 'Does your local church have a coffee group or discussion circle you could try? Is there a village Residents' Association, or University of the Third Age meetings anywhere near?'
Mr PW objected, messaging to ask whether I thought I have 'the right to push religion down people's throats.'
Excuse me? This is a civilised space so I'll draw a veil over my irritated expletives!
Mr W clearly had no objection to any intellectual content that might be offered by U3A, but only to the beautiful messages of the Christian faith. He added that he is a 'proud atheist.' Well, jolly good for him.
The day before I read his words I'd been to a friendly morning service at our village church, enjoying the hymns and sharing chat with neighbours during coffee time.
Had any stranger turned up I know people would have been hugely welcoming, and 'push' biscuits, not 'religion'. You can be a spiritual as you like; light candles or volunteer to wash up. All good.
Rebuked by non-Christians before, I ask what's wrong with them? Churches all over the country offer cakes and company, and if you're not sure about aspects of the Christian faith you can be sure others in the congregation have similar misgivings, too. It doesn't matter.
Small doubts do not dent the greatest (in terms of numbers) religion in the world, and only add to the richness of discussion.
We are still part of the mighty Christian culture that underpins values every one of us can follow.
I believe a world heeding Jesus's injunction to 'love your neighbour as yourself' would be a better place.
Bel answers readers' questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.