DEAR CAROLINE: My ex strung me along for 12 years… then admitted he didn't want children when it was too late

Q I have recently split up with my long-term partner because, after 12 years together, he finally admitted that he didn’t want children. He had been stalling for a long time, originally saying that we needed to buy a house first, then that we could barely cover the mortgage and, with the cost of having children, we should wait until we had more money. Next he argued that we didn’t have family living nearby and he wouldn’t have time to give to a child until his job became less demanding.

I accepted all his reasons at the time, until I realised that it was never going to happen. However, I’m now 45 and am angry because my chance to become a mother has gone. Some of my friends say that it is not too late to meet someone and have a baby, but I know it is unrealistic. So I am now single, childless – and devastated that I’ll never be a mother. 

My ex says he still loves me and didn’t want to split up. I think he even feels guilty. Most of the time I feel I can never forgive him. However, I’m so lonely that I think about taking him back. I’m angry with myself for not realising earlier that he wasn’t going to change, but I loved him.

A I understand how devastating this is for you. Sadly, it is unlikely that you will have children now and this is a loss. Even if you were to meet someone soon and get pregnant against the odds, this would not be straightforward. Having children later in life can have implications further down the line. That child could stand to lose their parent or have to care for them when they are in their 30s. And while it is one thing to look after elderly parents in one’s 50s, it would be quite another at such a young age (maybe with the added stress of toddlers of their own). 

It is understandable that you miss your ex, so imagine you gave him the benefit of the doubt and saw his concerns as valid – for example, that he really was worried about how you would manage financially – then your anger might lessen. However, it could also be argued that he has manipulated you so that he could stay in the relationship. He has let you down, so if you were to get back together, you would probably start resenting him. 

Try not to be angry with yourself, though. Leaving a relationship when you love someone is always difficult and the only ‘mistake’ you made was in hoping that he would change. It might help if you connected with others in similar situations: readers have recommended gateway-women.com as an excellent resource for those who are childless not by choice.

Must her boyfriend stay over every weekend? 

Q Our youngest daughter, who is 16, has a new boyfriend and they seem to be joined at the hip. They are both fun and energetic but can also be loud and untidy. This is driving our eldest daughter mad. She is 18, quiet and living at home during her gap year. Our youngest daughter’s boyfriend is the same age as our eldest but seems far younger. He stays with us every weekend because, ironically, he says it’s too noisy at his own home – he’s one of four brothers. Our eldest wants the house to be quiet, but I’m worried that I’ll upset her sister, who can be volatile, if I ask them to spend more time at her boyfriend’s.

A It is difficult for your eldest daughter now there is the equivalent of two younger siblings filling the house with noise and mess. Of course, you are torn between wanting to help her find some peace and quiet and being wary of your younger daughter’s temper. It is best to bite the bullet and speak to her (and the boyfriend) about being more considerate. Set some gentle boundaries, making sure they leave communal areas such as bathrooms and the kitchen tidy. 

You could also explain that while they might find it noisy at the boyfriend’s house, you also find it loud when they are in your home all the time. Suggest that they spend at least one night every fortnight at his place. Don’t let them know that the complaint came from your eldest daughter as you don’t want her blamed. Support the latter by listening. She may need to express her frustrations to you sometimes. She could even be feeling jealous that her younger sister has a boyfriend while she doesn’t.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally