DEAR JANE: I set up a nanny-cam and caught the babysitter doing something horrifying in my bedroom

Dear Jane,

I've discovered something suspicious and I'm not sure what to do.

You see, my husband and I both work full-time, so we need a nanny to look after our one-year-old son, five days a week.

It's really difficult to find the right person and we've had to fire two women already after they repeatedly turned up late or canceled at the last minute.

A few months ago, we finally found our current nanny through an agency.

She seemed perfect. She's 32, kind, reliable, very experienced, and our son seems to love her.

Dear Jane, I set up a Nanny Cam to keep an eye on my baby… and I caught my babysitter doing something shocking.

But last week, I discovered something strange.

When we were having issues with our first nanny and my son was very young, my friend told me to set up a 'nanny-cam' so I could keep an eye on him while I was at work.

We bought one from Amazon and put it on a shelf in our bedroom, pointing at his crib. It's not hidden, but it's not immediately obvious if you glance around.

When I came home from work one day last week, I went to hang up my jacket in the closet and noticed some of my shoes had been knocked onto their sides.

I'm a hyper-organized person. I have a specific system for where I hang things up and always put things back in the same place, so I notice when things are out of order.

I told my husband what had happened and he said I had probably knocked over the shoes without realizing. That seemed possible, so I just tried to forget all about it.

But then, a few days later, I returned to find my jackets out of order. 

Feeling worried that something weird was going on, I decided to check the camera footage.

I fast-forwarded through the day and everything seemed normal. The nanny came into the room to put our son down for his nap and walked out again.

But then, 20 minutes later, she came back in and walked straight over to my closet. She opened the doors and pulled a few things out. 

Then, she took off her own clothes and put mine on, posing in front of the mirror and taking selfies.

I was completely shocked – but it got even stranger. She disappeared from view and came back a few seconds later... holding an expensive lipstick from my makeup bag!

She applied it in the mirror and then took more photos, all while my son was sleeping in his crib.

Dumbfounded, I showed my husband the footage and he found it really funny.

I don't find it funny. I find it invasive and weird. Now I'm wondering how many times she's done this.

The problem is, she is so great with our son. Finding another nanny would be such a hassle, but I also don't want her to be tampering with my things.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column

She clearly doesn't know we have the camera in the room and I'd feel very awkward confronting her about it, but this can't go on.

Should I confront her... or just sack her immediately?

From,

Nanny Spy

Dear Nanny Spy,

What an unsettling, and yes, creepy thing to happen. 

Having anyone go into your private space without permission can feel enormously invasive. Even though, as you point out, she's not doing anything outwardly terrible. 

However, she is overstepping in a way that is entirely inappropriate.

I don't think you have to sack her. But you do need to sit her down and let her know that you have the nanny-cam and saw her doing this, no matter how uncomfortable that chat may be.

Ask what's going on and why she's going through your belongings, then listen to what she has to say.

I imagine she'll be mortified and will never do it again.

It seems likely that she's given into a curious impulse and perhaps doesn't best understand clear boundaries – which is why you need to now set them.

Remember: say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean.

I wish you much luck.

Dear Jane,

I've recently been having a tough time socially and I'm hoping you can share some of your experiences operating within mom friendship groups.

I've been part of a tight-knit group of mothers for several years. Our girls are all similar ages and we met when they all started kindergarten.

Before I knew it, I was spending so much time with these other moms.

We'd get coffee together or go to Pilates classes after school drop-off. We'd take it in turns hosting play dates, often having wine together while the children played and became friends themselves. And there were weekend dinner parties with our respective husbands, too. You get the picture.

But our girls are now in middle school, which inevitably means small dramas between them. And as such, I've found myself feeling increasingly protective, not wanting to share with the others moms about the things troubling my daughter. It all felt too close for comfort.

I've made efforts to step back from the group – but they all still spend time together as if nothing has changed. It's like I never existed.

I see them posting about various fun outings on social media, laughing and having fun. It's sending me right back to that middle school FOMO feeling.

I'd like to still have them in my lives - though not as close as before. But I can't help feeling a little betrayed.

From,

Mean Girls Survivor

Dear Mean Girls Survivor, 

Oh, how I empathize with your letter. I know all too well the mean-girl behavior that can exist within mom groups. Particularly when daughters are in middle school and all kinds of dramas blow up.

I avoided the such cliques like the plague when my own daughter was growing up. 

I never understood why any woman would choose to take part. Too often, mom friends are not true friends, rather they're situational friends. You're all thrown together because of your children, not because you necessarily have anything in common.

I think it's a good thing you've stepped away from your group. Maybe now you shoudl take things further: mute the other women on Instagram so you are not forced to see any social events you weren't invited to.

And instead, focus on building a network of friends that you really enjoy – women who would be your friends whether or not you had children.

Life is too short to spend time with people who create anxiety or drama in your life. True friendship should be easy. 

I promise that your that your daughter will not suffer from your opting out. 

If anything, removing yourself from the situation will show her how to be an individual who does not cave to group pressure. She will learn that her mother dances to the beat of her own drum – and that she can too.